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Turning back at the dead end | 14/06/2010 | 9:17 am

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I came across this blog post and it touched me very deeply, so I really wanted to share it with all of you. It's so well written, emotional, and strong. Enjoy.
Align Centre

♥♥♥




"I love this song and I usually sing it when I'm in a good mood, but today it just caught me and tugged on my heart strings while I was unexpectedly vulnerable, and I feel compelled to open up and share my own experiences with other people so here goes.

Listening to this song and watching the tears roll down Duffy's face made me think of my own tears that I shed while being in the exact same situation.

This song is about moving on to better things in life, to break free from a seemingly bottomless pit and finally realizing that you're better off than what you once believed you could never live without.



For 2 and a half years of my life, I lived everyday thinking that I was in love with my ex-boyfriend and that I could never survive a day without him.

Almost a year later, I'm in a relationship with someone who appreciates me more, I am generally happier and definitely better off.



Despite the fact that I'm in love with someone completely new and have already moved on, it seems like every now and then I remember what used to be my world, and I remember one of the hardest lessons I've learned and will ever learn.


They say "the first cut is the deepest", and I'm sorry if I have to resort to cliche and over-repeated quotes we have all heard before to emphasize on what I really mean, but these quotes wouldn't be so famous if they weren't so true.


Your first love would be nothing like the rest of your relationships. It is the first time you fall in love that you fall the deepest, because you love like you've never been hurt before. And that, in my opinion, is one of the truest forms of love.


Because in my first real relationship, I taught myself how to love unconditionally. I was new to this scene, and all I could really understand was how hard and fast he made my heart beat.


I've never known heartbreak like how it knew to always find its way to me, and because I've never been hurt quite so badly, I also never knew how to protect myself.





For the longest time, I was obsessed with the fact that I was in love with somebody whom I thought was perfect for me, never once stopping to realize that perhaps I'm in love with the idea of what I'd like him to be or who I THINK he is, and not realizing who he actually was is someone I've never known, and still don't.



I was trying to hold onto someone who was already gone.



I was young, far too young and naive back then to even begin to grasp the basic concept of relationships. I just knew that I had to love him, and that I had to be with him.


When you're in a relationship like that, you don't stop to think that one day, all that was your entire world would come crashing down on your head, taking you along with it.



You'd never imagine that he would say the hurtful things to shatter your world that he eventually did one day, you'd never imagine that you were merely placed as an option all along when he was obviously your priority.

And so I got hurt.



I was lied to, I was emotionally abused and I cried like I've never cried before.

He didn't want to see me, he was seeing other girls and making use of me, toying with my feelings and you know... just doing the usual stuff to break my heart.


And you know what? That's okay.



Everyone goes through heartbreak, and sometimes you're gonna wholeheartedly trust that seemingly special someone who steals your heart but conveniently steps all over it and leaves you to bleed out all by yourself... but the most important part is knowing how to pick up the pieces and walk away.


There will always be assholes out there.



But they are not the biggest problem of all.


I am not quite as upset about the fact that he cheated me a hundred times too many, and absolutely destroyed my self-esteem and every ounce of self-respect I had for myself..

What I'm really, really cut about is the fact that I let him do it to me. Over and over again.





I let him hurt me, because I was too eager to believe his lies, too desperate to feel wanted and loved.



I believe that..



The first time he lies to you, it is his fault.

The second, third, fourth and countless other times are all your fault.




You must know that if he lies to you once, he definitely can lie to you again. I am not saying that he definitely will, I am just saying that he might and is definitely capable of repeating the same mistakes.

And you know what else?! Don't be an idiot.





There's a chance that he won't tear you up inside again, but don't use that as an excuse to throw away your dignity and self-worth and readily accept living a lie while in self-denial.





Don't let that be the reason why you forgive him after his second repeated mistake even though there was a gut feeling inside you telling you that something is very, very wrong.



I'll be completely honest with you and tell you that the only reason why I stuck with my ex-boyfriend for so long was because I was too obsessed with the idea that some day he will change for me, and I can say that I was right here waiting for him all along.


They say love is unconditional, and me being the idiot that I was, happily lapped up every single ounce of bullshit that was spoon fed to me by clueless people who claimed that true love is unconditional.

And it was my first relationship - of course I thought I was truly in love.






But I've been meaning to say this for awhile now so I will say it loud and clear.


FUCK UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.


The last time I listened to that shitty advice, I got my heart seriously fucking broken.




Only 2 types of people would promote "unconditional love" :

Mother Teresa, or somebody who just couldn't find anyone better out there to make themselves happier and simply resigned to their lowly fate.





You know, that would be the sort of shit coming from Jerk Neo's wife, going like "I will love him no matter what, stick by him through thick and thin......... even though he wanted to stick his penis into everything that was breathing and had a hole beneath ignoring the fact that we are married with kids"



Yes, your love may be "unconditional", and that is the reason why your husband is going around having sex with girls half your age and probably why you are so bloody miserable and still haven't left him yet.

They say she's known about the affairs, but kept one eye shut.



What's even more astonishing is the fact that some girls said they found her love to be very inspiring and strong. What kind of message is this woman sending across to young girls in Singapore?!?



That it is okay for your husband to cheat on you?


Or that knowingly letting your husband belittle you and everything that your marriage stood for is loving someone unconditionally?



It's not.

It is, more than anything, sheer stupidity and lack of self-respect for yourself.


I find that 99% of the time, guys take girls for granted because we let them. Never let the guy feel like he doesn't even need to earn your respect or forgiveness when he's done something wrong.



A relationship shouldn't be something just to HAVE, it's something to work for!!!



Practicality over passion is for losers who end up marrying someone they wish they didn't and spend the rest of their lives hating on people who are actually in love and happy.



Who is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself?




"To love somebody, you must first love yourself."

Sounds like a load of bullocks, but let me explain it to you.


When you love yourself, you learn to take pride in having utmost dignity and respect your self-worth. With that, men will eventually realize that they cannot shove you aside and trample all over you like a barbie doll - They will learn to respect you as well.


They say "trust is the fundamental base in a relationship" but what they don't tell you is that someone will only bother to tell you the inconvenient truth if they respect you enough.


Otherwise, they'd figure that you are not even worth explaining to and would forget the whole idea of being completely honest with you in the end.


Without mutual respect, there will be no honesty and not enough consideration, and with that, there will certainly be no happiness and love.





No guy in his right mind would intentionally or knowingly hurt a woman he really cares about, he would rather hurt himself.

If he's willing to take that chance, then obviously he doesn't care about you as much as you think he does.



Love can be impractical (like my own long-distance relationship), sometimes it may not even make sense but




LOVE IS NOT UNCONDITIONAL UNLESS IT'S FROM YOUR MOTHER!




It worries me when I see how many girls out there are in destructive relationships, letting themselves be physically and emotionally abused by their boyfriends - all in the name of "unconditional love"!!

Please stand up for yourself and have some dignity!


.
.
.
.
.
.


You're better off without the boy who would always rather spend time playing stupid computer games than precious time with you,



The boy who always seems to have suspiciously over-friendly text messages with random girls on his phone



The boy who shortens your dates because he would rather do something else with other people



The boy who (indirectly or not) compares you to other girls with better figures, looks etc or says bad things about you to destroy your self esteem



The boy who always conveniently fails to pick up his phone while he's out partying at night



The boy who turns violent and whose aggressiveness scares / harms you when you guys have fights



The boy who never keeps his promises, from the littlest to the biggest things



The boy who says bad things about behind your back to his / your friends



The boy who could look you straight in the eyes and tell a blatant lie without even blinking



The boy who never replies your sweet text messages and never calls back when he says he will



The boy who seems to love you, but seems to like every other girl as well





...And the boy who just never loved and appreciated you enough.




Most girls are unrealistically optimistic about their relationships or sometimes just in major self-denial, so if there happens to be a voice inside your head telling you that something is wrong, don't ignore it.


I remember crying myself to sleep wishing that things would get better, but they never did. Not until I took control of my own life and stopped letting a destructive relationship consume me.


And I know I'm not the only one who cries myself to sleep (or used to)



If he abuses you in any way or if he really does not make you happy, you are better off without him. It will hurt a lot in the beginning, but eventually you will thank yourself for making the right decision.




Perhaps this may be hard to believe for those who are stuck in a shitty relationship or situation right now..

But some day you will meet somebody new, who will treat you the way you should be and want to be treated then you will realize that relationships hold a whole new meaning to you.

It is not a quest for dominance, it is a lovely partnership where you can both contribute to each others lives and make it more worthwhile.




I concur that having the balls to break up with my abusive and manipulative ex-boyfriend is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and has allowed me to grow so much as a person.



Muster whatever courage that you have, and take a leap from this black hole that's eating you up inside. Break free.

I know it is easier said than done - I've been in my fair share of pretty awful situations myself. I know what it's like to feel completely trapped in a bottomless pit that you feel like you've got yourself in..


But stop bloody wallowing in self-pity and DO SOMETHING to make your life better!





And when you do finally take the plunge, be firm with your decision and never look back.


Nothing says weak like trying to walk away from someone but giving up halfway and ending up running right back into his waiting arms because he knew you just weren't strong enough to do it.

With each try, the next will be harder, and more distant.


Oh and of course, assholes are not worth being friends with!!! Tell the ex to go screw himself if he wants to be "friends", more like he wants make up sex or something y'know? Don't trust him.




In the past, I let myself down by allowing my ex-boyfriend to mistreat me for so long, but I will go out of my way to make sure this doesn't happen to me again, or anyone that I really care about.

A mistake is not wasted if the lesson is learned, so I'm sharing mine with you.




I had to learn all of this through the hard way, and it took up 2 and a half of some of the best years of my life.

I only hope that this blog post would reach out to somebody out there who is in a similar situation as I was in and find that this post has helped them understand things a little better,

or have given them the slightest bit of inspiration to breaking free from an unhealthy relationship that's causing more misery than it's worth.



I'm giving you advice that I'm taking myself. We are all still young (unless you're like, 50. hi mum) and we shouldn't have to settle for less than what we can get.


We have the rest of our lives for commitment, but settling for an unhealthy relationship at a young age is just plain silly, silly, silly! No wonder my mum always told me I was sooooo naive and borderline delusional.




Don't wait by the phone for the call that will never come, and stop giving someone who doesn't deserve it a second chance.

It's not called a second chance when it's been said and done more than twice..





Stop trying to change that person - start by changing yourself!!!!!!



I leave you with lyrics from Warwick Avenue by Duffy.

For your convenience, I have embedded the video twice in this post because it's an awesome song that makes the lyrics so easy to relate to.



When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you won't stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don't think we're okay just because I'm here
You hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving but I want to be free
Baby, you've hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers, now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell you baby that we're through

I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I've been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you're loving but you don't love me
I want to be free, baby, you've hurt me

All the days spent together, I wished for better
But I didn't want the train to come
Now it's departed, I'm broken hearted
Seems like we never started

All those days spent together when I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come




"I'm leaving you for the last time baby
I've been confused, out of my mind lately

You think you're loving but you don't love me
I want to be free, baby, you've hurt me"





...Here's to all the girls (and boys) who know exactly what the fuck I am talking about.



Fight for your own happiness because you deserve it.


xoxo,
Jess"




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